@KaballsDeep | Audio CW: Murder, Suicide, Kabal

[kaballin]

Hey assholes.

This is Kabal and I've got a proposition for you.

So I dunno how many of you were here right from the beginning like me, stuck in this place for fucking ever. Anyway, you know no one has died? People disappeared but no one's died.

Makes you wonder what happens to people when they do.

So in the interest of science and my amusement, I've got a prize for the first person to kill someone. I mean I guess you can off yourself too, but if you don't come back then you're screwed out of the prize, but you do you.

I've got a better phone than the shit we were given. It has games, these things: 🍆💦, a Geiger counter, music player. A bunch of other stuff. And it's yours if you prove you did the deed so we can see if they stay dead or turn into a zombie or who knows what else.

Don't have to kill anyone specific, but if it's Qubit I'll throw in a personal shield generator.

Oh and the robot samurai, two story tall lego sculpture and the light up metal ninja don't count. Gotta be a person.

Comments

[itsnotaonesie]

[PETER JUST FUCKING HANGS UP ON HIM GOD DAMMIT

but then he sends him another audio message like ten minutes later]

No, you know what, fine! Do what you want! If I have to start patrolling this place from top to bottom all day every day to make sure nobody does anything stupid because you thought that murdering each other sounded fun, then I'll just do that!

[audio | @SCARAMOUCHE]

[numerouno]

Hey, don't sweat it, kiddo. If they have any sense, they'll murder him first.

[Also: Scaramouche the Merciless, a samurai? Of course, he could be talking about somebody else.]

Re: [audio | @SCARAMOUCHE]

[kaballin]

I knew you liked me.

[itsnotaonesie]

Oh my God. What part of 'let's not murder each other' is so hard for you people to grasp?

[numerouno]

I'm not killing anyone, babe.

[itsnotaonesie]

That was more a general you than a you you. As far as I know you haven't stabbed anybody, or threatened to stab any body, or gotten bored and daydreamed about getting people to stab each other.

[numerouno]

[Not on this planet, anyway. He wouldn't kill anyone here who didn't try to kill him first. That's his word on it right now.]

We'll patrol together--how does that sound? I'll divide my route in two; you take one half while I take the other.

[It's all he's done since he got here, besides swinging by the bar now and then (and lately, making music with his honeydew... ♪). Having another set of eyes would help.]

[itsnotaonesie]

Yeah, sounds good. I appreciate the help, man. Thanks.

[if life keeps being ridiculous Peter may just find himself visiting the bar more often himself.]

[numerouno]

[Scaramouche isn't suddenly hitting the halls of Anchor to curtail an outbreak in violence. He'll be patrolling for the same reason he always has: so he can be the first to know if anything about their situation changes. He has a better chance of catching something if he's got Pedro to cover ground too.]

Call me if anything sticks out, okay babe?

[itsnotaonesie]

[Whatever Scaramouche's reasoning behind it is, Peter's just happy to have other people on patrol with him.]

Same to you, man. I'll keep in touch.

[kaballin]

Thanks for the blanket permission to do anything I want. That's real swell of you.

You need to calm the fuck down before you have a stroke at age thirteen.

[itsnotaonesie]

I honestly believe that you are the only person in this entire place that could make me have a stroke. I think you do this stuff on purpose, you're trying to kill me with stress.

[kaballin]

I'm honored.

But no, I'm not trying to kill you. You're one of maybe four people in this cesspool who isn't a complete idiot. And I gave you a personal shield! Out of the goodness of my heart and everything.

[itsnotaonesie]

The shield is really cool and I appreciate it. Now stop encouraging people to murder each other.

[kaballin]

I want one person to murder one person. I'm not trying to start a turf war or anything.

What if we find out dead people come back? That'd be useful right? You are being so negative right now.

[itsnotaonesie]

[He leans away from the receiver and just UUUUUUGHs. He cannot with you right now, Kabal]

And if we find out that people don't come back, we have a dead body we have to figure out what to do with!

[kaballin]

That's what you're worried about?

C'mon man. We bury them. Chuck 'em out the airlock. Roast them like vikings in a big bonfire.

[itsnotaonesie]

That is far from my only concern, Kabal.

I actually do want to see if this place has an actual morgue, though. Just, as a side note, I guess.

[kaballin]

To do autopsies or whatever? There's gotta be something. Like a lab with a big fridge. There were a shit ton of people they had to have died sometimes. Unless they found a way to become immortal.

[itsnotaonesie]

I mean, I'm pretty sure that they're all dead just judging by the fact that nobody else is here.

[kaballin]

Well they're dead now, but they lived here for a while to build all this shit. Probably some of 'em got old enough to die of natural causes.

Not looking forward to that at all.

[itsnotaonesie]

Natural causes on this planet probably includes radiation poisoning and mutation. So yeah, I guess I'm not looking forward to that either.

[kaballin]

If you grow some more arms you can take more notes. Think positive.

[itsnotaonesie]

I don't wanna lean that hard into the spider motif. Plus with my luck, I'd probably just end up growing more legs. I'd be the best at kicking, but not good for much else.

[kaballin]

Where's your imagination? Might be the best at stomping grapes for wine the world has ever seen!