video; together, we're WYLD STALLYNS (un: j.calhoun) [warning: recreational drug use]

[bardish]

[ What's a middle aged suburbanite to do when everything's overwhelming all the time and he just needs to relax before he has an aneurysm? Easy: Get blazed, grab his guitar, and jam with the glitchy robot band in the dance club.

It's a mystery how this recording started. Maybe Jeff, in his stoner state of mind, accidentally hit record. Maybe one of the bots did. MAYBE IT WAS AN ACT OF SABOTAGE. In any case, Anchor, enjoy Jeff Calhoun and some slightly off-beat jukebots trying to do justice to an R.E.M classic. ]

--wire in a fire in a submarine something and the government for hire in a combat site! Letter whiskers coming in a hurry with the flurries beating DOWN YOUR NECK--

[ Look, it's hard enough to get through the lyrics without tripping into gibberish when sober. Cut Jeff some slack! At least he can sing the chorus. ]

...It's the end of the world as we know it! It's the end of the world as we know it! It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feeeeeel fiiiiiiine...

[ You better believe the robots are providing backup vocals via a series of beeps and whistles. It's like he's singing with R2-D2 here. So just imagine that: a ragtag R.E.M. cover band, complete with a robot wielding both a tambourine and an unwillingness to keep to the beat, chirping along with a frontman who can only get about 45% of the words right.

Alas, all good things must come to an end, including this song. And just as the last notes die out, that's when he realizes he just serenaded the entire network. ]

Ohhhhh... fuck. [ Jeff's just looking like a deer in headlights for a moment there. ] Uh.

[ Pause. Then he seems to relax, because maybe it's the weed-- no, it's definitely the weed. There's something way too chill about the way he smiles now. ]

Got any requests?

Comments

video; @onni

[scowlish]

[The person in the video very obviously does not know he's being recorded, because the phone is at a weird angle that very clearly shows the underside of his chin and up his nostrils.

If he realized he was being filmed, this undignified angle would not be the one Onni chose.]

What.

[bardish]

'What'....

[ Jeff tilts his head, a thoughtful expression on his face as he considers how he wants to explain himself. And maybe he gets a little dreamy, a little drifting off into space-y, before he snaps to attention again. ]

Whaaaat... was the question again?

text; @onni

[scowlish]

[While Jeff was apparently meandering around in his own thoughts, Onni has taken the opportunity to look at his phone again and realize exactly what he was filming before, make a squawk of annoyance and embarrassment, scramble to find out how to delete it and fail to find a way, and then switch to text before he can further humiliate himself.

Video conversations. Never again.]

What is this? Why are you singing about the end of the world? Is that really something to sing about?

1/2, STILL VIDEO

[bardish]

[ NOOOO, BRING THE VIDEO BACK he hates reading texts while stoned. ]

I mean, the song can be interpreted in a bunch of different ways. It doesn't have to mean the literal end of the world!

There's some comfort in that...

2/2

[bardish]

And, you know, like, artistically? Nothing should be off limits, not even the end of the world!

[ A beat. ]

Okay, maybe some things, I guess, like, in the interest of not being a total asshole... Really, if you think about it, it's all about the delivery...

[scowlish]

[Sorry Jeff. He's embarrassed himself and now he will never try that again. Ever.]

Artistically?

[There are very few people farther removed from art appreciation than Onni Hotakainen.]

My grandmother survived the end of a world.

voice; @waltz

[enveloped]

[Dryly, but not without a hint of amusement.

He's desperately trying not to sound as tickled as he is.]

A little on the nose, isn't it?

[bardish]

[ For a moment, Jeff looks wilted, a little like a kicked puppy, like he's totally taking the comment as SEARING JUDGMENT. ]

C'mon, man...

[ A beat, before he brightens. ALL IS WELL. He totally had you fooled, didn't he? DIDN'T HE? ]

'On the nose' would be if I did a mashup of 'Space Oddity' and 'Major Tom (Coming Home)'-- [ Yes, he does air parentheses. Both hands! ] the unauthorized sequel.

[ ANOTHER BEAT. ]

Which I'd show you, but it's still a work in progress.

[enveloped]

I think that's just as well. I never liked 'Major Tom' or the one hit wonder that was Peter Schilling.

[Airily. Entirely remorseless.

If Jeff wants to play chicken, Cam will play. He could use the entertainment.]

I also strongly dislike The Beetles, and prefer covers of their songs. Could you perform 'Hey Jude' at double speed? It's a little too slow for me.

[bardish]

You're not getting the Beatles after you disrespected Peter Schilling like that!

Just for that, I'm picking my next song, and I'm gonna make sure it's not a hit.

[ At least he doesn't seem to be taking your PIGTAIL PULLING seriously. He's just playing along while also defending the integrity of all those songs that never topped the charts! ]

[enveloped]

I guess right, and you play my request. Right away. Priority. VIP experience.

Hit me with your best shot.

[You can take the father away from the daughter, but you can't take away the dad jokes.]

text; @aa

[livingdeadgirl]

play freebird!

1/3

[bardish]

[ Free Bird? Jeff gives his guitar a thoughtful strum as he tries to weigh the sincerity of the request. Does she want to hear Free Bird, OR IS SHE JUST HECKLING HIM? ]

Okay, okay, let's see...

[ He hums the song to himself for a moment, under his breath, tapping his foot, sweeping the cobwebs from his pot addled mind and... ]

Fuck, I'm rusty.

2/3

[bardish]

Wait, I remember it now!

[ Oops. Nope. He's just playing the opening riff to 'Sweet Home Alabama' now. But he's just gonna keep at it, all while singing the words to 'Free Bird.' ]

If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me...

[ Hey, at least he's got a nice voice when he's not rushing and tripping over REM lyrics? ]

3/3

[bardish]

[ Speaking of REM: In a fit of musical excitement, the robots launch into another cacophonous rendition of 'It's The End Of The World As We Know It'.

The end result? A mashup from Hell. ]

[livingdeadgirl]

[ oh my god. this is the actual worst, how does she save it? she ends up playing it back again and recording the screen with her smartphone. he was RIGHT. thits shits lasting FOREVER

so it's a couple minutes after he finishes playing before she comments. ]

that was horrible
but i appreciate the attempt
to be honest i was just sort of heckling you

[bardish]

That's okay, I've been heckled before. [ He brightens, adding: ] At least you didn't throw an empty beer bottle at me!

[ It's totally happened before. That shit hurts. ]

So I'll take this as a net positive.

[livingdeadgirl]

where am i supposed to get an empty beer bottle pray tell
the real thing you need to watch out for are empty tequila sunrise glasses
you could put your eye out with one of those tiny umbrellas

[bardish]

Are the tiny novelty umbrellas what make them tequila sunrise glasses, specifically?

[livingdeadgirl]

no its the recent presence of a tequila sunrise duh
the tiny novelty umbrellas are what make them deadly weapons

text; @GOSUCKADICK

[substances]

house of the rising sun?

[bardish]

The Animals or Frijid Pink?

Wait...

I don't know why I asked. I only know how to play it one way.

[substances]

wich 1?
both r good

[bardish]

Frijid Pink. I went through this whole psychedelic phase when I was a kid.

[substances]

dang 2 bad
animals wins 4 me by just a teeny tiny bit
but ill take frijid pink

[bardish]

I used to be a major showboat with the guitar, so it was like, Frijid Pink all the way, man! Any excuse to show off.

[ He hums thoughtfully, looking down at his guitar, then furrows his brows. ]

I don't know if I've still got it.

[ WELL. He's gonna try anyway. And it doesn't take him long to channel that showboating teenager and get it going... even if the robots still want to chime in with the wrong song. This time it's THE ONE I LOVE.

Look, they really took to REM. With a huff, he looks back at the bots. ]

C'mon, dudes...

[text | @hot.damn]

[circumitus]

[Ugh help, that sounds like the type of music her brother listens to.]

know anything that ISNT 20th century rock shit?

[bardish]

Ah...

[ Hang on, he needs to think on it. ]

Oh!

Yeah!

I know some 21st century shit, too!

[circumitus]

[sigh]

21st century memory is pretty fuzzy on the music part
but ok that works.

what did the cool kids like back then?

[bardish]

[ This is a difficult question to answer, because he's definitely not a cool kid anymore. He's twenty years past cool kid! ]

Uh...

Beyonce, mostly?

[ Okay, okay, he can give a better answer than that. HE JUST NEEDS TO TAKE A MOMENT TO THINK. In the meantime... ]

What century are you from? 30th? 31st? Ooh, 40th?!

[circumitus]

[Anything probably makes him a better qualified cool kid than Rey, in all fairness.]

was a mutant lizard person from the year 12,000AD of course.

hmmmm...
beyonce works.

[Is it possible that Beyonce is known in the year "12,000 A.D."?

[(Or, rather, the 22nd Century?)]

text; UN: Spides

[itsnotaonesie]

dude

At first I was annoyed but now I just wanna see where this goes.

[bardish]

[ He furrows his brow, now envisioning all the different ways this can go. So many possibilities! Most of them bad! Wait, that's just the paranoia talking. ]

Gosh, I just hope it doesn't go the way of my last band...

2/SEVERAL surprise

[bardish]

Or that the robots don't gain super-sentience and try to take over the colony! That'd be such a drag.

[bardish]

[ He casts a look at his robo-bandmates. ]

But they wouldn't do that. Right?

...

Right...

done

[bardish]

[ He leans in close and whispers, all hush hush so the robots don't SENSE HIS DOUBT: ]

You know science, right? Tell me I'm right!

text; UN: Spides

[itsnotaonesie]

I do know science

they wouldn't do that, their AI isn't advanced enough to actively turn against their core programming. For the most part all they can do is what they've already been programmed to do.

and almost play the tambourine, apparently.

[bardish]

[ He lets out an audible sigh of relief upon reading that. Okay, okay, good. ]

Okay. Cool. Good.

[ AS FOR THE TAMBOURINE... He jerks a thumb at Mr. Tambourine Bot. ] Hey, man, believe it or not, this is progress! I'm proud of the little guy...

[itsnotaonesie]

It's actually learning how to play that?

You haven't fiddled with it's programming at all, have you?

voice; @acri

[deadlycurves]

Can the Apocalypse stop stalking me? That'd be nice, just for the record and all. [At least he sounds... kind of tilted toward amused?]

[bardish]

[ Almost kind of leaning towards amused??? PROGRESS. Jeff's taking that as progress, and nobody will convince him otherwise. ]

So what I'm hearing is a request for some Katrina and the Waves. [ Cue a very spirited: ] I'm walkin' on sunshiiiine! Wooo-oooh!

[deadlycurves]

[Who's progress, never met her.]

What? [Aaaand then he's singing again and--] Oh, come on!

[bardish]

It's more fun if you join in, you know. You might even smile!

[deadlycurves]

Not a chance.

[audio | @SCARAMOUCHE]

[numerouno]

Yeah, tell the two-bit back-up singers to lay off.

[bardish]

Hey, man, I think they're doing a pretty good job!

You should've heard them the first time I tried to teach 'em the song...

[numerouno]

Take it from me, babe: stick with the solo act.