video; together, we're WYLD STALLYNS (un: j.calhoun) [warning: recreational drug use]

[bardish]

[ What's a middle aged suburbanite to do when everything's overwhelming all the time and he just needs to relax before he has an aneurysm? Easy: Get blazed, grab his guitar, and jam with the glitchy robot band in the dance club.

It's a mystery how this recording started. Maybe Jeff, in his stoner state of mind, accidentally hit record. Maybe one of the bots did. MAYBE IT WAS AN ACT OF SABOTAGE. In any case, Anchor, enjoy Jeff Calhoun and some slightly off-beat jukebots trying to do justice to an R.E.M classic. ]

--wire in a fire in a submarine something and the government for hire in a combat site! Letter whiskers coming in a hurry with the flurries beating DOWN YOUR NECK--

[ Look, it's hard enough to get through the lyrics without tripping into gibberish when sober. Cut Jeff some slack! At least he can sing the chorus. ]

...It's the end of the world as we know it! It's the end of the world as we know it! It's the end of the world as we know it, and I feeeeeel fiiiiiiine...

[ You better believe the robots are providing backup vocals via a series of beeps and whistles. It's like he's singing with R2-D2 here. So just imagine that: a ragtag R.E.M. cover band, complete with a robot wielding both a tambourine and an unwillingness to keep to the beat, chirping along with a frontman who can only get about 45% of the words right.

Alas, all good things must come to an end, including this song. And just as the last notes die out, that's when he realizes he just serenaded the entire network. ]

Ohhhhh... fuck. [ Jeff's just looking like a deer in headlights for a moment there. ] Uh.

[ Pause. Then he seems to relax, because maybe it's the weed-- no, it's definitely the weed. There's something way too chill about the way he smiles now. ]

Got any requests?

Comments

text; @aa

[livingdeadgirl]

play freebird!

1/3

[bardish]

[ Free Bird? Jeff gives his guitar a thoughtful strum as he tries to weigh the sincerity of the request. Does she want to hear Free Bird, OR IS SHE JUST HECKLING HIM? ]

Okay, okay, let's see...

[ He hums the song to himself for a moment, under his breath, tapping his foot, sweeping the cobwebs from his pot addled mind and... ]

Fuck, I'm rusty.

2/3

[bardish]

Wait, I remember it now!

[ Oops. Nope. He's just playing the opening riff to 'Sweet Home Alabama' now. But he's just gonna keep at it, all while singing the words to 'Free Bird.' ]

If I leave here tomorrow, would you still remember me...

[ Hey, at least he's got a nice voice when he's not rushing and tripping over REM lyrics? ]

3/3

[bardish]

[ Speaking of REM: In a fit of musical excitement, the robots launch into another cacophonous rendition of 'It's The End Of The World As We Know It'.

The end result? A mashup from Hell. ]

[livingdeadgirl]

[ oh my god. this is the actual worst, how does she save it? she ends up playing it back again and recording the screen with her smartphone. he was RIGHT. thits shits lasting FOREVER

so it's a couple minutes after he finishes playing before she comments. ]

that was horrible
but i appreciate the attempt
to be honest i was just sort of heckling you

[bardish]

That's okay, I've been heckled before. [ He brightens, adding: ] At least you didn't throw an empty beer bottle at me!

[ It's totally happened before. That shit hurts. ]

So I'll take this as a net positive.

[livingdeadgirl]

where am i supposed to get an empty beer bottle pray tell
the real thing you need to watch out for are empty tequila sunrise glasses
you could put your eye out with one of those tiny umbrellas

[bardish]

Are the tiny novelty umbrellas what make them tequila sunrise glasses, specifically?

[livingdeadgirl]

no its the recent presence of a tequila sunrise duh
the tiny novelty umbrellas are what make them deadly weapons