video || @willwork4weed

[citharede]

[ The girl on the feed is lying on her stomach on one of the barracks-style beds. Her hair is wet--freshly showered--and she's dressed in one of the spa bath robes. ]

So this place is fuckmazing. Free spa? Fresh food? Free booze? Yes please and thank you. Also these little dragon dudes are like the best thing to ever exist.

[ She points the camera toward one of the little dragons, who's going to town on a bowl of ice chips covered in hot sauce. The camera wobbles then focuses back on her. ]

His name is Stanley and I'll murder anyone who touches him. Just saying.

Oh, right, hey, I'm Athena Parker and I'm never leaving.

Comments

[itsnotaonesie]

...Y'know, I can't argue with that. The cool thing and the free spa thing, at least when the spa's working.

So, did Anchor's wacky teleporter accidentally break you out of jail, then?

[citharede]

Not jail. A holding cell. Totally different.

[ THE DISTINCTION IS IMPORTANT!! ]

[itsnotaonesie]

Is it, though?

[citharede]

It is! [ She sits up on her elbows. ] Holding cells are where they put you before you're charged. It's a hell of a lot more paperwork to go to actual jail.

[itsnotaonesie]

Okay, okay, fair enough.

I'm Peter, by the way. Figured I should introduce myself before I start grilling you for your criminal record.

[citharede]

Yo. Nice to meet you. And it's theft and petty larceny bee-tee-dubs. [ She grins. ] Promise I won't steal your shit unless you deserve it though.

[itsnotaonesie]

Well, that's not too bad. And just what would I have to do to deserve having my shit stolen?

[citharede]

[ YEAH!! Not too bad!! She'll just leave out the part where she magically coerced people and turned it into a felony!! ]

I dunno. [ A one-shouldered shrug. ] Feed Stanley something that makes him sick? Annoy me?

[ She props her chin in her hand. ]

Honestly since I can get pretty much whatever I need from this place I might just do it because I'm bored. Promise you'll get it back though.

[itsnotaonesie]

[GURRRRRRRRL do magic do crimes, yolo]

Just don't steal anything that looks too important. No tools, no machine parts. Kinda need those to keep this place up and running. Anything else is fair game, but if I catch you, I'll glue you to the ceiling.

[he is not even joking, he will do this.]

[citharede]

[ She grins. YOU'RE OKAY, PETER. ] That's a Gift I've never heard of before. Do you... what, just stick people to things? Can you do anything else?

[itsnotaonesie]

[That's it, that's what's going on his gravestone. "Peter Parker: He was Okay."]

Well, for that I'd be using synthetic spider webs. What do you mean, Gift?

[citharede]

[ He gets a blank look. ]

The Gift. You know. [ A PAUSE. ] The Gift? Magic?

[itsnotaonesie]

Aaahhh. Nah, that's not something we had where I'm from. I don't have any magic or whatever, I got my powers from a radioactive spider bite.

[citharede]

[ Silence as she waits for the punchline. ]

Wait, you're fucking with me, right?

[itsnotaonesie]

Nope, it was definitely a spider. No magic, but I can stick to walls and stuff.

[SHRUG. Like sure it's a weird super power but it's so useful here!]

[citharede]

[ ANOTHER LONG PAUSE. ]

What's your last name.

[itsnotaonesie]

[See now he's giving her a suspicious look because that was kind of an odd way to ask that, bro]

Parker?

[citharede]

Fuck you. [ Said the same way an old timey person might say GET OUTTA TOWN. ] It is not.

[itsnotaonesie]

That is the weirdest reaction I've ever gotten to my name before.

[citharede]

You are not fucking Spider-Man.

[ Wait. ]

I mean I know you're not fucking Spider-Man, you can't fuck a dude who doesn't exist, but what I'm saying is you aren't Spider-Man because that's impossible.

[itsnotaonesie]

And this is the first time I've ever been told I don't exist before. What does that mean?

[citharede]

Bullshit!

[ She rolls off of the bed and starts pacing the room in her fuzzy robe, still holding the communicator. ]

You're not Spider-Man! Spider-Man is a fuckin'-- He's a superhero! A superhero, right, like. Superheroes don't actually exist? God I loved Spider-Man when I was a kid, I thought 'a cool Parker'! Though in retrospect Spider-Man is kind of a giant nerd-- no offense-- wait.

[ She stops pacing. ]

Okay. Hang on. Starting over. So you're Peter Parker. Like... [ For a second it looks like she's going to say something else, but then she starts shaking her head again. ] I can't believe this. I need some proof, dude.

[itsnotaonesie]

Oh my God, you're from one of those worlds where I'm a comic book, aren't you.

[This isn't the first time this has happened, which is the only reason he isn't completely flipping out right now. It's still the weirdest shit ever, though.]

Yeah, the uh, giant nerd thing tracks. I... guess we could meet somewhere? I can stick to a ceiling for you or something?

[citharede]

Oh my God, I'm in another world.

[ She smacks herself in the forehead with the heel of her palm. ]

I'm in another world, I mean, on some level I figured it had to be, right, like. The whole video thing. But I didn't really get it. I thought 'yeah, sure, everyone here's going to be from my Earth, that's cool'. But--

[ She cuts herself off. ] Yes! Yes, please stick to a ceiling for me, that would make my life.

[itsnotaonesie]

Oh yeah, that whole multiverse thing. You'll get used to it.

Where do you wanna meet? It won't take me any time at all to get to you.