video || @willwork4weed

[citharede]

[ The girl on the feed is lying on her stomach on one of the barracks-style beds. Her hair is wet--freshly showered--and she's dressed in one of the spa bath robes. ]

So this place is fuckmazing. Free spa? Fresh food? Free booze? Yes please and thank you. Also these little dragon dudes are like the best thing to ever exist.

[ She points the camera toward one of the little dragons, who's going to town on a bowl of ice chips covered in hot sauce. The camera wobbles then focuses back on her. ]

His name is Stanley and I'll murder anyone who touches him. Just saying.

Oh, right, hey, I'm Athena Parker and I'm never leaving.

Comments

[citharede]

[ Silence as she waits for the punchline. ]

Wait, you're fucking with me, right?

[itsnotaonesie]

Nope, it was definitely a spider. No magic, but I can stick to walls and stuff.

[SHRUG. Like sure it's a weird super power but it's so useful here!]

[citharede]

[ ANOTHER LONG PAUSE. ]

What's your last name.

[itsnotaonesie]

[See now he's giving her a suspicious look because that was kind of an odd way to ask that, bro]

Parker?

[citharede]

Fuck you. [ Said the same way an old timey person might say GET OUTTA TOWN. ] It is not.

[itsnotaonesie]

That is the weirdest reaction I've ever gotten to my name before.

[citharede]

You are not fucking Spider-Man.

[ Wait. ]

I mean I know you're not fucking Spider-Man, you can't fuck a dude who doesn't exist, but what I'm saying is you aren't Spider-Man because that's impossible.

[itsnotaonesie]

And this is the first time I've ever been told I don't exist before. What does that mean?

[citharede]

Bullshit!

[ She rolls off of the bed and starts pacing the room in her fuzzy robe, still holding the communicator. ]

You're not Spider-Man! Spider-Man is a fuckin'-- He's a superhero! A superhero, right, like. Superheroes don't actually exist? God I loved Spider-Man when I was a kid, I thought 'a cool Parker'! Though in retrospect Spider-Man is kind of a giant nerd-- no offense-- wait.

[ She stops pacing. ]

Okay. Hang on. Starting over. So you're Peter Parker. Like... [ For a second it looks like she's going to say something else, but then she starts shaking her head again. ] I can't believe this. I need some proof, dude.

[itsnotaonesie]

Oh my God, you're from one of those worlds where I'm a comic book, aren't you.

[This isn't the first time this has happened, which is the only reason he isn't completely flipping out right now. It's still the weirdest shit ever, though.]

Yeah, the uh, giant nerd thing tracks. I... guess we could meet somewhere? I can stick to a ceiling for you or something?

[citharede]

Oh my God, I'm in another world.

[ She smacks herself in the forehead with the heel of her palm. ]

I'm in another world, I mean, on some level I figured it had to be, right, like. The whole video thing. But I didn't really get it. I thought 'yeah, sure, everyone here's going to be from my Earth, that's cool'. But--

[ She cuts herself off. ] Yes! Yes, please stick to a ceiling for me, that would make my life.

[itsnotaonesie]

Oh yeah, that whole multiverse thing. You'll get used to it.

Where do you wanna meet? It won't take me any time at all to get to you.

[citharede]

Oh man, I don't know this place yet, uh. Outside that tequila sunrise bar?

[itsnotaonesie]

Outside the bar, got it. I'm on my way, see you there.

[He's jumping off a walkway and fucking swinging there, off he gooooes]

[citharede]

[ UNSURPRISINGLY, he beats her there, but not by a lot. She comes running from the little barracks area in bare feet, communicator in one hand, the other hand holding her robe shut as the knot she tied around it starts to unravel. Stanley perches on her shoulder, trilling mild alarm at the rush.

Athena skids to a halt in front of Peter and holds the communicator up. ] This fucker had better have a record function.

[itsnotaonesie]

[AND YUP, Here's Peter, but he looks a little surprised when he sees her just roll up in A ROBE???]

I-- you're wearing something under that, right? I can wait if you wanna like. Put pants on?

[citharede]

[ She blinks at him, then looks down at herself. ] The clothes I showed up in were nasty and I haven't found new ones yet. What's wrong with the robe?

[ Just gonna HIKE IT SHUT and tighten the knot again. ]

Relax, my guy, I'm way too gay for you anyway.

[itsnotaonesie]

Fair enough. When we're done here I can help you track down some new stuff if you want.

[Speaking of why he's here, he crouches a bit, preparing to backflip his ass up to the ceiling,]

Those do have a record function, by the way. Let me know when you're ready.

[citharede]

That would be awesome.

[ She fusses with the communicator, Stanley crawling from her shoulder onto her arm. ]

Okay-- All right. I think I've got it. Do your thing.

[itsnotaonesie]

[Omg Stanley's so goooood I love him

Peter gives her a nod, adjusts his footing a little bit, and jumps, flipping in the air and crouching up on the ceiling. TA-DAAAAAAAA]

See? Spider-Man.

[citharede]

[ Just. Give her a second to stare. Stanley is indeed a good boy and climbs from her arm up onto her head, rearing back on his hind legs to try fruitlessly to reach Peter. ]

Holy. Shit. You're Spider-Man. A really young Spider-Man, the guy in the comics was like thirty.

[itsnotaonesie]

[Peter reaches as hard as he can to poke Stanley's nose, but nope, he's just a little too far.]

That is wild. In the last place I was stuck, I met another me that was like thirty. He was taller than me, too. That was annoying.

[He's gonna just stop goofing around on the ceiling now and drop back down in front of her.]

So part of me wants to know how closely your comic book me's life lines up with mine, but I also think that might be kind of weird?

[citharede]

That might be really weird. [ Said in a tone of LET'S DO IT. She puts a hand up to steady Stanley as the dragon sits down. ] You know what else is really weird? Kylo Ren is here. Wait, do you even know who that is? Do those movies exist for you? We have to find the old ones in that Blockbuster place if you've never seen them, because Star Wars is amazing.

[itsnotaonesie]

[He is so ready to dive into some weird comic book shit BUT THEN he just looks at her like she just gave him the worst news he's ever gotten. Because he kind of has.]

I-- okay, we do have Star Wars, I know who Kylo Ren is, and in the last place I was stuck he was there and he wanted to kill me. Aaaaand that's not ideal.

[citharede]

[ Okay hold on there are a few pieces of that she needs to sort out. ]

The last place you were stuck? [ Because that is important information. She gives Peter a look that's somewhere between apologetic and like she just got caught breaking an expensive action figure. ]

I could like... talk to him? Maybe? He Force-choked me for calling him Adam Driver but I kind of earned it. Well, he Force-choked me for trying to use magic on him, which yeah I earned it. He seemed pretty okay after though?