benhargreeves (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
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redshiftrp2019-09-30 07:11 pm
benhargreeves) wrote in redshiftrp2019-09-30 07:11 pm
@lazarus | video
[ The video opens on Ben's face. He is looking particularly grim, filming in one of the rooms in the residential section. No greetings or build-up, he just cuts right to the chase, holding up a tiny device between forefinger and thumb. Visible is a tiny lens, and what looks like a small antennae to transmit. ]
PSA. There are surveillance cameras hidden in the lighting fixtures of the bedrooms. I found a creepy tunnel leading to a creepy lair where some fucking creep has been spying on us. Still trying to figure out who is behind it and what they want, but the feeds only show occupied rooms and no empty ones so it's not a coincidence, unfortunately.
[ Ben turns the frame to face the spot where the small camera had obviously been ripped out of an overhead light. From offscreen he says, voice clipped and angry: ]
Anyway. Wanted you guys to know. Hit me up if you need help ripping the suckers out. I'll post again when I know more.
PSA. There are surveillance cameras hidden in the lighting fixtures of the bedrooms. I found a creepy tunnel leading to a creepy lair where some fucking creep has been spying on us. Still trying to figure out who is behind it and what they want, but the feeds only show occupied rooms and no empty ones so it's not a coincidence, unfortunately.
[ Ben turns the frame to face the spot where the small camera had obviously been ripped out of an overhead light. From offscreen he says, voice clipped and angry: ]
Anyway. Wanted you guys to know. Hit me up if you need help ripping the suckers out. I'll post again when I know more.
no subject
[Kieran doesn’t call undue attention to Ben’s actions, choosing instead to trace his fingertips along Eavan’s glowing streaks. He nods along in agreement with Ben’s words. Their current situation is vastly different than what Kieran’s faced before, far more insidious and perverse in nature, but that doesn’t change the overall sentiment.]
[He cocks his head towards Ben, but it’s just so he can direct his voice at his friend. There’s no rush or push to let go of Branwen.]
They just go about their day, not payin’ a mind to what anyone else thinks. As long as they ain’t in any immediate danger, they’re happy with just about anythin’. They letcha know where yer at with ‘em, and they don’t try to hide anythin’ from ya.
Horses are pretty straightforward once you get to learn their personalities. You know what to expect.
People… not so much.
no subject
He pulls back, cards his fingers through Branwen's mane, trying to work out a few of the tangles he had accidentally put into it. ]
Do horses... like getting their hair brushed?
[ He feels like he's read about horses getting brushed down, in old novels, but he isn't sure if that's just after they've been on a big journey or whether they like being groomed regardless. Ben strokes his hand down Branwen's neck; marveling at how warm and still and patient he is.
The words spill out without him meaning to say them: ]
I didn't expect to feel like this.
[ Ben looks at Branwen, his surprisingly long eyelashes, those deep soulful eyes. He can feel where Kieran is standing close by, looking at him probably, but Ben can't bring himself to face him. It's easier to talk looking away, running his hand along Branwen's warm nose. ]
I should be used to it. The place I grew up had cameras everywhere. Recording us around the clock. So- so if anybody should be... okay, right now, it ought to be me.
[ He should be the one working on solving this. He should be the one comforting others. He shouldn't be weak like this. ]
no subject
[Kieran grins and runs over to one of the tables covered in horse supplies. He pulls out a handleless brush, plain, but sturdily built and holding together a decent clump of thick bristles. He returns just as quickly as he darted off, happily holding the brush out to Ben. There's a strap along the back to slide his hand underneath.]
[He keeps quiet otherwise, listening to his friend vent his feelings about the constant filming. It's hard to relate to that exact circumstance, the technology just isn't there yet (although he's seen Arthur running around camp plenty of times with that dang camera in his hands, catching gang members at inopportune moments left and right). He can, however, offer some objective insight on the matter.]
Sounds like yer the one who has the best excuse not to be alright with everythin' that's happenin'.
[Kieran busies himself with starting to slide a handmade bridle over Eavan's long face. It's still in its early stages of being built, with shoddy decoration covering its otherwise solid build. May as well get her used to the feeling of her new tack while she's in a safe area amongst friends.]
It ain't the best place to be stuck, but at least this, uh, station, ain't entirely like where you grew up. It's somethin' different. Different problems, sure, but still different.
Havin' all those cameras pop up all of a sudden is just a reminder of the hell you left behind. You don't need that. None of us do.
no subject
At first, he only answers Kieran in a little shrug. Words are so hard, and much of his brain is screaming he's already said too much, that only bad can come from talking about any of this, letting himself be vulnerable, letting himself be known. But Ben likes Kieran. And he knows that, if any kind of scale could be devised, Kieran has been through much worse than him. So he needs to make himself understood. That he understands how weak he is, for caring. For being impacted. ]
I should be better than this.
[ He keeps brushing Branwen's mane, sighing softly, frustrated with himself. There is little Ben has less patience for in the world than what he sees as his own failings and flaws. ]
It wasn't hell.
[ The response is automatic, like a kneejerk. He still feels that impulse, to diminish it, to conceal anything that might seem bad to an onlooker. And there's something else, too. Ben's cheeks actually grows hot, and he angles his face away from Kieran, embarrassed: ]
It wasn't like- it wasn't as bad as. I mean. Any of the stuff you... talked about.
[ What is he doing, whining about his life to someone who had lost his parents so young, who'd had to support himself and make his way in the world, who had been tortured and threatened by gangs and here is Ben, complaining about some security cameras in the mansion he grew up in.
Self-loathing sits in his stomach like a stone, heavy and solid. ]
At least back then I knew about the cameras, and I was always aware anything I did or said might be watched, either then or later. I could decide things based on that. Here, I've gotten too used to - just... talking. Saying stuff without... putting it up for review in my head first.
[ The fact that Ben is talking about his current self as more chatty and incautious with his words than he was a kid really just goes to show how quiet he'd been, back then. He can remember stretches of time when he'd barely said a single thing aloud, apart from answering questions his father asked. ]
no subject
[It looks like the bridle will fit her well. That's a good start.]
[He's listening to Ben the whole time, his nods filled with understanding and devoid of judgment. It's hard fo feel anything but pure empathy for his friend.]
It ain't a contest. Our pasts, I mean. Don't, uh, don't think that yer not allowed to complain just 'cause you think I had it worse.
[Arguments as to who had a rougher upbringing could be made for either of them, but as far as Kieran is concerned, a shitty hand is a shitty hand. He's not about to try to one-up his buddy over past traumas.]
A-And don't worry about sayin' what's on yer mind. Don't let that creepy feller take that away from ya.
If anythin', you know that at least one place is safe. You can always come here and talk about whatever you want. Promise.
no subject
He wants to believe Kieran and his validating, reassuring words. But, perhaps because he's already stressed, perhaps because all this has got him thinking even more than usual about his past, he can't seem to do that. Every nice thing Kieran says is almost drowned out by the screaming doubt in his mind, saying that if Kieran really understood the situation, knew more about him, saw him more clearly, he wouldn't be saying those nice things and making that kind offer. ]
You wouldn't say that if-
[ He breaks off, silent for a few seconds as he brushes the horses's mane some more, long and slow strokes. Then he tries again: ]
It's like you said before. Horses are straightforward, but people hide stuff. I learned to hide... everything I could, even more than most people, because I was always being watched. And now I'm about as far away from a horse as a person can get. Not straightforward at all. You shouldn't... offer me something like that, when there's a lot you don't know about me yet and if you knew it. You might not. Want to be my friend, after all.
no subject
I may not know a lot about you, Ben... but I do know yer one of the kindest people here and that you care about the folks in yer life.
[He moves to Eavan's side--the one closer to Ben--so he can pat at her neck while simultaneously trying to catch his friend's eye.]
I'd be a hypocrite if I got on yer case fer anythin' you may have done before comin' here. I ain't about to judge you, and especially not after you gave me a chance.
So the offer stands. You need a place to lay low fer a bit or get somethin' off yer chest, yer more than welcome here.
cw abuse
So even Kieran's gentle and reassuring words, telling him he is kind, that he clearly cares about people, make Ben's heart sink. He meets Kieran's kind eyes and then his gaze slides away, looking down at the ground, overwhelmed.
He can see how Kieran would believe they might be on the same level. That Ben might have been forced into some small life of crime, the way he had. That he'd hurt people in the normal human way. ]
It's not like that. You were - maybe you've been forced to do some messed up stuff, in your life, but I- what I am is messed up.
[ Ben miserably thinks that he's not all that much better than whoever had hidden those cameras. He's been dishonest, hidden things from Kieran, because he liked being around him, getting to be his friend. But he'd never given Kieran the chance to reject him based on the reality of who he is. Kieran deserves that. He deserves to know what he's friends with. ]
I've been lying to you. By omission but it still counts. I have powers. I was born with them - all my siblings were, too. We were all born at the same second all around the world to women who weren't even pregnant earlier that day, and nobody knows how or why it happened, and all of us can do things no other humans can do.
[ The words are tumbling out in a rush, and he's stopped brushing Branwen's mane, just sort of holding the brush in his hand. ]
I have - it's like a doorway in my stomach, to another world. Like this is a different world to the one you came from. And I can open it to these - creatures. Sort of like giant squids, only - different. Alien. And if I open it, they reach through me. And- and I was raised to use that power to hurt people. To kill them.
[ Carefully, Ben smooths a hand down Branwen's long face, letting him snuffle and nuzzle at his palm, maybe expecting a treat. He can't bring himself to look at Kieran. ]
They weren't good people. They were - murderers and robbers and awful people. But it doesn't change the fact that I- that maybe my dad was right to have those cameras. At least for me. To keep an eye on me and - I don't know. I just don't know.
[ He breaks off, because it's all so tangled in his mind. His dad had been the one who guided his training, who had had to teach Ben to use his powers to kill in the first place. Of course, he had always said that Ben was a monster, a horror, that he was only pointing his inevitable violence in a constructive direction. Ben had always believed that. That it was his duty to control himself and work hard to limit that harm.
But is that true? If it were, why had Reginald needed to lock up and starve Ben into using his powers to train? Why start him on animals, make him hurt them first to try to get him used to it, so that eventually he would be willing to do the same to humans? If he was really so bloodthirsty and uncontrollable, it wouldn't have been necessary to try so hard to desensitize him to it. And it would have worked, instead of leaving him a panicky mess every time he has to use his powers, or any time he is just around some animals.
Ben sucks in a very shaky breath, hands extremely gentle as he brushes Branwen's mane out of his eyes. ]
I should've told you before now. I just... wanted you to like me.
no subject
[As Ben continues, Kieran stays still outside of casually leaning against Eavan. It's a dual purpose gesture: he wants Ben to know that he's just as relaxed around him as before these truths came to light and he wants to make sure his mare continues to get that friendly physical contact that's crucial towards building a strong bond. He nods every now and then to show understanding, but is otherwise silent. He can't stop his brow from furrowing at the mention of surprise pregnancies, squid tentacles, and stomach doorways, but at this point, there's no brand of crazy he's not willing to acknowledge. Not when he's seen so many fantastical powers popping out of the woodwork.]
[There's a long, pregnant pause after Ben's finished. Then, Kieran responds.]
Well... I can't say anythin' about the other stuff, but, uh, if there's one thing you don't gotta worry about, it's whether or not I like ya. As far as I'm concerned, you ain't a liar.
[The secrets Ben kept are heavy, sure, and they're something out of a horror story that someone would tell around a campfire, but they're not enough to make Kieran detest him in the slightest.]
Th-There's a special kinda honesty that can't be faked, and that's the honesty of a good person trying to do the right thing. That's all I've seen you do, and that's all I know you've done. All that other stuff is part of you too, sure, b-but it ain't all of you.
[He offers a reassuring grin and a pat on Ben's shoulder.]
Thanks fer tellin' me. I know it ain't easy.
...
Also, yer dad sounds like an asshole.
no subject
He lets out a very shaky sigh, blinking rapidly when Kieran calls him a good person. Why does it hurt? Kind words, a gentle pat on the shoulder. Those are supposed to be things that make him feel better. And they do, in a way. But they also make something inside him ache terribly. And it's frightening. Ben, who has by himself fought off a dozen and more men armed with machine guns without batting an eye, is scared by a little gentle treatment.
When Kieran says his dad sounds like an asshole, the tension breaks and Ben laughs softly. Maybe it's an inappropriate reaction but it's just such a wild understatement. ]
He-
[ Ben breaks off. Where to even start? ]
He was always sure he was doing the right thing. For a long time he had me convinced of it, too. He thought that he was going to save the whole world. And we... my brothers and sisters and I, we were- [ Ben swallows, eyes sliding away from Kieran as he goes on: ] We were... things he was going to use to do that. So whatever he had to do to us, to make us into what he needed... well, it was necessary.
[ Turning towards Eavan, Ben tentatively holds up his hand for her to snuffle at, and then is gently patting her bridled face, cautious. He had resented Vanya so much, for saying things like this in her book. But then, Ben isn't writing this down and publishing it for money. He is telling a single, trusted friend, in halting, painful words. Each one takes such effort. ]
He bought us. When he heard about all of us being born, he flew around the world and. Bought as many of us as he could get.
[ It's a small detail, really, amongst the rest, but Ben thinks it speaks a lot to Reginald's general attitude towards his children. That they were his. Property, not a thing to be proud of. ]
no subject
[Kieran huffs, brow furrowing.]
You and yer siblin’s aren’t things and he ain’t worthy of havin’ you in his family if he can’t see that.
None of the buyin’ and sellin’ and whatever he went and did was necessary. Especially not if it’s made ya feel like this.
no subject
Kieran is right, too, for reasons he doesn't even realize, yet. Their father had abused them because he thought it was necessary to avert the apocalypse, and in the end, hadn't he caused it? If he hadn't screwed Vanya up so much, hadn't screwed Luther up so much, things might have gone differently. Instead, both of them were so damaged, each in their own way, that together they'd ended the fucking world.
Go figure. ]
Thank you for saying that.
[ Ben's voice is hoarse with emotion, but the tension is gone from his shoulders. He lets out a long, shuddering sigh, and stands a little taller, after. ]
You're- you're a really good friend, Kieran.
[ He wants Kieran to know that. To understand how much he had helped, on a really hard day. ]
no subject
[He’d been called a good friend once or twice before, usually around a table overflowing with alcohol by men who could barely see straight, but this time it feels much more… genuine. Like it actually mattered to someone. He’d helped out a friend, and that in itself was its own reward. He grins.]
N-No problem! I-I mean, uh… you too! Least I could do fer someone who’s done so much to help me, too.
[He clears his throat, unused to such exchanges, but not entirely uncomfortable.]
Now let’s get these horses into their paddocks. I’ll show you how we get ‘em all boarded!