redshiftrp | @lazarus

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[ The video opens on Ben's face. He is looking particularly grim, filming in one of the rooms in the residential section. No greetings or build-up, he just cuts right to the chase, holding up a tiny device between forefinger and thumb. Visible is a tiny lens, and what looks like a small antennae to transmit. ]

PSA. There are surveillance cameras hidden in the lighting fixtures of the bedrooms. I found a creepy tunnel leading to a creepy lair where some fucking creep has been spying on us. Still trying to figure out who is behind it and what they want, but the feeds only show occupied rooms and no empty ones so it's not a coincidence, unfortunately.

[ Ben turns the frame to face the spot where the small camera had obviously been ripped out of an overhead light. From offscreen he says, voice clipped and angry: ]

Anyway. Wanted you guys to know. Hit me up if you need help ripping the suckers out. I'll post again when I know more.

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[ Ami smiles back. What do you know? They have the same coping mechanism. Smiling, and making others smile. ]

I wouldn't say normal, exactly - I mean, it's possible everybody in town was like us and just hadn't awakened yet, but it's a pretty big city, so we were still very much a minority. Most people had no idea anything was going on.

[ ... They do have that in common, though, don't they? She'd never really thought about it from that angle. Ben's been "reborn," too, in a way. Of course, it's not precisely the same. He remembers his life, and he remembers being a ghost, whereas Ami...

He asks then, and she finds herself tripped up, because the first memory that comes to mind is Aradia's violent death, and she cannot lead with that. ]

Um - a lot of stuff. [ YEAH GENIUS YOU SAID THAT ALREADY. ] Oof. Kinda put me on the spot there! Haha. Let's see, uh...

[ She thinks about it for a second, but then ... all of a sudden, she just seems to zone out completely, her eyes glazing over. Weird. ]

Rhys was the single, unequivocal friend in Cole's existence. The one person who had been kind, loving and protective. And Cole, Cole didn't doubt Rhys.

Cole still doubts and doesn't understand affection and kindness. Rhys had thought he was a young, lost mage, without realising he was a spirit. And if Ben has a brief moment of wonder about 'with' or not, Cole doesn't manage to pick up the nuance of the thought, because he's briefly lost in thought.

"He is. He was still alive when I was last in Thedas. He and Evangeline-Who-Is-Also-Faith."

Yeah, you can come over.

[She could probably find them herself with some help, but if she misses one... Better to have two sets of eyes on it, and better still if one of those sets of eyes has actually seen the other side of the camera, with a better idea of where they might be.]

Fucking perverts... [Julie mutters to herself, not missing the fact that she and Klaus have been intimate in her room several times. The idea that someone might have been watching them both makes her skin crawl.

And then-- shit. Ben has a point.]

I'll check in with him. Can usually tell when he's trying to lie. [She pauses, frowning.] Gotta wonder what it's for. Like... is it just some creepy hold-over from when there were people living here before, or what?

[Branwen is a good choice, and the little horse doesn’t make any fuss when Ben leans against him, only shuffling his hooves to better take the weight. It’s almost as if it’s old hat for him, like he’d had to deal with a certain cowboy doing the same thing once or twice or several times in the past—although Branwen had been much bigger then (all the better, too, since his rider was tall and gangly).]

[Kieran doesn’t call undue attention to Ben’s actions, choosing instead to trace his fingertips along Eavan’s glowing streaks. He nods along in agreement with Ben’s words. Their current situation is vastly different than what Kieran’s faced before, far more insidious and perverse in nature, but that doesn’t change the overall sentiment.]

[He cocks his head towards Ben, but it’s just so he can direct his voice at his friend. There’s no rush or push to let go of Branwen.]

They just go about their day, not payin’ a mind to what anyone else thinks. As long as they ain’t in any immediate danger, they’re happy with just about anythin’. They letcha know where yer at with ‘em, and they don’t try to hide anythin’ from ya.

Horses are pretty straightforward once you get to learn their personalities. You know what to expect.

People… not so much.

[ Real talk, Qubit kind of feels the same way. Pessimism is realistic, paranoia is preparedness. But he doesn't like to inspire it in others. As a superhero, that's not what he should be about. ]

Well - until we know for sure, we shouldn't dismiss a better outcome out of hand. Being realistic cuts both ways. You have to be willing to accept what the evidence proves, even if it's not as bad as you thought.

[ Ben frowns a little at that response, precisely because it is, so, well... relatable. He's played that game, too. The evaluation game, weighing all the bad days and trauma and inconveniences and bullshit against one another, to determine which emotions he ought to be feeling and how much of them. He knows that kind of numb distance. He knows it can help in the short-term, can make surviving easier.

But it's not exactly a great sign. ]

You're allowed to be bothered by stuff, even if it's not objectively the worst thing that's every happened to somebody, or even the worst thing that's happened to you. Not like there's a rule.

[ At the very least, she seems to be doing okay, or some approximation of it, for now, and so he answers truthfully: ]

I promised Peter I'd help him with something but I can be there in an hour, maybe a little less?

[ Ben's pretty certain there's a limited amount he can do here to make Peter feel better. He can't change the facts: that they've all been caught off-guard by this, that someone had been in Peter's room, that none of them know what he was doing or how he'd gotten in.

But he sure as hell is going to do as much as he can, despite the situation. He sets a hand against the back of Peter's head, holding him close and giving no indication that he intends to let go any time soon. Peter has been through so much, too much, and he sounds so tired that Ben's own voice is tight with held-back emotion when he confirms: ]

Hell yeah you are.

[ And Ben will be there as backup, when that time comes. He's thinking of a little more than just ass-kicking, but no need to mention that just now. ]

The rest of the footage can wait. Soon as you're ready, we should go to your room and see if there's anything else hidden there, or any clues how the bastard got in. Then we can think about - about if you want to stay there, want to switch, and what fortifications we can put in place.

[ Ben rubs a hand up and down Peter's back. His plan might not be perfect, but it's a few first steps, just to help while Peter's mind is blank with understandable terror and helplessness. Easier to let Peter make adjustments to an existing plan than to ask him to come up with something from scratch when he's feeling like this.

But first, there's something important Ben needs to know: ]

Are you planning on telling Poison?

[ He's going to leave that decision up to Peter, because they're closer, because he knows her better. Ben knows that complete honesty isn't always the best way to go, and he'll follow Peter's lead either way.

Then, because he knows Peter is someone who responds well to a little humor in a stressful situation, and because he's desperate to cheer his friend up a little, if he can, Ben says, in sassy mock-annoyance: ]

And just when were you planning on telling me she's your girlfriend now, huh?

Edited 2019-10-16 15:16 (UTC)

I'm fine.

[She replies very steadily, meeting his eyes unwaveringly with her own. Poison chooses who she shows her emotional vulnerability to very carefully, and doesn't know Ben nearly enough yet.

Then she nods, glancing around as a couple of furry tentacles reach up over her shoulder and a peculiarly squish-looking cat-like face pulls itself up after them. Unperturbed, she pets the creature.]

In an hour, then. I'll be here.

"Is Evangeline a spirit like you, then?"

Ben had thought, though perhaps he is mistaken, that Cole was something of an exception to the general rule, when it came to spirits and people. But perhaps there were others, and perhaps this Evangeline was one.

Still, he feels a happiness on Cole's behalf, knowing that Rhys, this guy he cares about so much, is alive. Innocently, he suggests:

"So if you ever go back, you might get to see him again?"

It's a big 'if', of course. No knowing if any of them leave here, or where they might end up when and if they do. Ben's not even sure whether he himself would want to go home if he were given the opportunity - it's big and messy and something he tries not to think about. But the thought of Cole going elsewhere, leaving the Anchor, hurts more than Ben had expected. But at least if he was going home, perhaps he might have a chance to reunite with Rhys and his other friends.

Without even noticing it, all that awful fear and sadness has been subsiding in Ben as the two of them speak. He isn't sure if it's being around Cole, or speaking to him, or realizing the world is so much bigger than him and his little problems. But that horrible, dense, twisted knot that has been building and building in his stomach doesn't feel so heavy anymore.

[ Ben nods, curious about the place she'd been before here, but he figures now might not be the best time to ask. Most of the people he's met who went to other worlds before the Anchor only understood a little - if anything at all - about what was running them or how they were brought there or what it all meant. Ami has enough unknowns in her life right now without reminding her of some more. Best to keep the focus on her, herself.

Ben doesn't want to rush her when he asks about the things she's remembered. He knows how the mind can go blank when someone asks a broad question like that. So he waits. And waits.

And waits.

Ami isn't making the usual gestures a person does when they're trying to recall something - no shifting around, no hmms or filler words. She is just sitting there. And, when enough time has passed that it doesn't seem rude to look, she's completely zoned out. He waves a hand in front of her face - not a blink, nothing. Ben's stomach twists in worry, and he asks, urgently: ]

Ami?!

[ Ben considers answering her on the device, but he's already halfway to where her room is, and so he just waits, knocking on the door and greeting her with a solemn nod when she opens it. Only once the door is actually closed does he say, without further prompting: ]

We don't know what it's for yet. Peter and I are gonna go over the footage of our rooms and see what bits were kept and archived and maybe we can work back from there and figure out what they were looking for. It... it doesn't seem like they're just leftover from when people were here before.

[ He shoves his hands deep in his pockets as he makes his way back, into her bedroom. ]

The- the feeds were only. Rooms with people in them. No empty rooms. So... either there are cameras in every room and they just activate them when someone moves in, or... or they install them after we show up. But. It isn't... abandoned. It isn't random.

[ He wishes Julie were right, that it were just some hold-over. But there's too much evidence to the contrary.

As he's pulling over a chair to stand on, to reach her light fixture, he says: ]

No one's looked at the footage from your room. We're not... gonna watch any of the rest of it without people's permission. So. There's that.

Actually, I don't have to do anything, thanks.

[ Ben hears how clipped and icy the words come out, but he can't stop himself. The hairs on the back of his neck are standing up, and everything inside him recoils from the idea that any of this is good, or useful.

This time, though, he is quicker to relent, to follow up with: ]

I'm sorry, I don't mean to keep snapping at you. I guess I've got some, like...

[ The word trauma, while probably accurate, is just absolutely non-negotiable here. Ben bites at his lip, a long silence stretching before he settles on: ]

...stuff about cameras and being spied on and whatever. But there is no good outcome here if you ask me. Even if whoever is responsible for this thought their intentions were pure, even if they thought they were helping... I can't accept that something like this is for my own good, or whatever.

[ Ben nods silently, agreeing with Kieran's description of horses and why they are good, compared to people. He wonders what it would be like, to live like that. Not to hide everything by reflex. Not to be surprised by himself, twisted up and confused on the inside, not even sure half the time what he really thinks, what he really wants.

He pulls back, cards his fingers through Branwen's mane, trying to work out a few of the tangles he had accidentally put into it. ]

Do horses... like getting their hair brushed?

[ He feels like he's read about horses getting brushed down, in old novels, but he isn't sure if that's just after they've been on a big journey or whether they like being groomed regardless. Ben strokes his hand down Branwen's neck; marveling at how warm and still and patient he is.

The words spill out without him meaning to say them: ]

I didn't expect to feel like this.

[ Ben looks at Branwen, his surprisingly long eyelashes, those deep soulful eyes. He can feel where Kieran is standing close by, looking at him probably, but Ben can't bring himself to face him. It's easier to talk looking away, running his hand along Branwen's warm nose. ]

I should be used to it. The place I grew up had cameras everywhere. Recording us around the clock. So- so if anybody should be... okay, right now, it ought to be me.

[ He should be the one working on solving this. He should be the one comforting others. He shouldn't be weak like this. ]

[ Ami comes back to herself with a start, blinking rapidly for a sec while she gets her bearings. ]

What? Oh -

[ She glances over at him, embarrassed. ]

Sorry, that - that happens sometimes. I just... remembered a thing, just now. [ She looks down at the palm of her hand, still feeling the lingering sensation of long, webbed fingers... ]

They're really vivid. Like visions. Dave called them "hallucinomemories," but that's stupid and he's stupid.

[ Ben does his best to look unperturbed, but it's somewhat of a mixed success. He is reminded of how their little tarot-reading session had ended, and reminds himself that she was fine, then, even after they checked at the med bay. If she says this is normal for her now, he'll just have to believe that. ]

Like... a flashback?

[ That's his main reference point, here, but Ami doesn't seem nearly distressed enough for that comparison to be entirely accurate. Ben is glad, that she's not hyperventilating or freaking out, but at the same time, it's all so unfamiliar. Not for the first time, he feels really out of his depth, here. ]

That's good, though, right? You're... uncovering more memories, bit by bit? Who's Dave? Someone from... someone you knew as Ami, or...?

[ Or as an alien. ]

"No. Evangeline died and Faith held her there, pulled her back. Faith is different. Being alive-with-Faith isn't like usual Abomination. I don't understand why not."

He has no idea why or how. Maybe the spirit fills spaces lost in death. Maybe Faith is simply powerful enough to hold on, or has found people with the right sort of Faith.

"I don't know. He was hurt when he realised I was a demon. But he still wants good things for me. Help for me to be what I should." He swings his feet, watches his toes. "Everyone else has opinions about what I should be but I just want to be me."

If Cole doesn't understand why, Ben certainly has no hope to. But he is willing to take Cole's word for it, that they are not the same, but neither of them are usual, either. It's all a bit bigger than he can understand in an abstract way, the distinction between spirits and demons, possessed humans and beings like Cole and beings like Evangeline. He can only go based off what these things mean to Cole, since really, that's what matters to him. He doesn't live in Thedas, and his main concern is the impact all this stuff has had on his friend.

Ben works best by example, and comparison, and sympathy. Is it really all that different, this man Cole had loved being hurt realizing what he is - than the way Ben worries people will be hurt if they learn what he is, about his powers? It must have hurt. Especially considering how Cole had just spoken about Rhys, that he'd been such a source of comfort when he was new, didn't understand himself yet.

And it might not be on quite such an existential level, but he thinks he knows a little about people who have a very narrow idea of what you ought to be. Ben had spent a lot of his earlier years trying to fit himself into the shape of the boy that his father wanted. Maybe the people Cole's referring to weren't quite so sinister, but it's still pressure, isn't it? Still other people trying to shave off parts of him, simplify him, change him.

So Ben huffs out a small, sympathetic sigh.

"Then you should just be you. My opinion is... you're good as you."

Maybe it's not as simple as that. Without meaning to, maybe he is trying to push Cole in one direction or another - responding well to some parts of him and not others. Ben knows he can't control his emotions, his thoughts, that Cole is aware of more than just the things he decides to say aloud. But he at least knows, is certain, that he is friends with the Cole that Cole is now. He doesn't think that needs to change - except, perhaps, in any little ways that might make Cole happier. But that's not wanting him to be someone different, is it?

[ Ami shrugs and nods. She hasn't had a flashback flashback, like, from trauma or anything, so she's not sure exactly how the two compare, but they're probably close enough. Ben lucked out, in this case - this memory was pretty standard, as such things go. It was rougher that time she remembered dying. ]

It's... okay? I mean, it is what it is.

[ Good or bad, she can't really do anything about it. As for Dave: ]

Both. I knew him back home, and past me also knew past him. Sort of. They weren't friends or anything, I'm pretty sure she only met him after he was already dead.

[ And Ami's relationship with Present Dave is ... let's just say complicated. ]

Hey, I remember not so long ago you saying how much you wanted to know, whether it was good or bad, so...

[ It's a gentle sort of chiding, trying to help her see a silver lining by reminding her of how much she'd seemed to hate the not knowing.

As for actually sorting out what she's talking about, between the past life apparently and Recollé and here, it's something that takes a moment for Ben to parse. ]

So... he got reincarnated, too? And past-you knew him as... a ghost? Is seeing ghosts normal or was that just her?

[ He definitely seems to remember telling Ami about dying and being a ghost for a decade and a half, so she might understand his curiosity on this matter. Then, because he doesn't want all his questions to be hard ones, he asks, with a crooked little half-smile: ]

And why'd you say he was stupid?

Edited 2019-10-17 01:26 (UTC)

Solas wants him to be Compassion, to detach from Cole's trauma and accept that it happened and move on. Varric wants him to embrace his mortal side, to let himself feel things deeper for himself, to learn about eating and sleeping and partying with people and crying because you feel like it, not because the person with him does.

Cadash just wanted him to be comfortable, which was nice of her, but she was caught between other people.

"Thank you. No one's ever said that to me before."

Ben's acceptance is understated and overwhelming.

[Peter is extremely tired, and terrible at reminding himself that he's not alone when it comes to protecting everyone. As much as he hates getting like this in front of other people, he's glad that Ben's here to help him get his shit together right now.

Now that he's calmed down a bit, he takes a second to rub his eyes before he finally starts to detach himself from Ben. Hugs are always nice, but they make having a conversation a little awkward.]

Um. I... honestly don't know if I should? I mean, I don't wanna freak her out or anything, and now that I know it's happening, I can take steps to keep it from happening again. S-sorry I got weird a minute ago, it's just.. this is all really freaky, but we can figure it out. So like, why scare her, you know?

[Why yes, Peter does respond well to humor. He rubs the back of his neck a bit awkwardly and chuckles.]

Sorry, sorry. I've been distracted. We haven't been dating that long, only since the spa came back online. I fell in a pool while I was trying to ask her out, because of course I did.

[ Only when Ben starts to feel Peter's restlessness and him pulling away does he let go, settling back down into his chair but staying close, expression intent and concerned. He rubs his hands together, listening as Peter talks his way through it.

Ben doesn't respond at once. He really had just been planning on going with Peter on this one... until he'd heard Peter's reasons. And now he is weighing contrasting needs. The need to support Peter and let him make his own decisions. The need to give advice and be honest as his friend. The need to not get involved when it feels scary, when he's afraid it will cause conflict. The need to retreat into himself and avoid all of this, after the day he's been having.

Eventually, though, he says: ]

I don't know Poison as well as you do, so... obviously, it's your call, and I'm gonna follow your lead. But... earlier, when I texted her, she didn't seem scared of the cameras. Like she seemed really, super insistent that she was fine. And- I think it would scare me a hell of a lot more if I found out somebody I trusted had kept something like this away from me, than if I found out someone had just been in my room.

[ Ben gives a small shrug, lifting his hands in the air to indicate uncertainty. ]

Stuff comes out, eventually. It does. It always always does. So you just have to decide... what you think is better. Her not scared, but also unprepared and uniformed, or her scared and upset like you are, but ready to help.

[ It's pretty clear what side he's leaning towards, but he meant what he said about following Peter's lead. There's no doubt in his mind that Peter means well, and it's not like he has a whole lot of romantic relationship experience to draw on, here. It's possible Peter knows Poison best and this really would scare her to such a degree that it's better not to mention until they have it under control. ]

And you weren't weird. You were reacting like a human being.

[ You're not going to wave it off as some weirdness, Peter. Ben's wise to your tricks and not going to let you get away with it. There will be none of that while he's around.

But he does smile, despite all of it, when Peter mentions his little mishap. ]

You really fell in a pool? ...Like a big pool? Did you trip?

[ He has seen Peter leap into the air and cling to trees and walls and ceilings. Imagining him klutzing out like that is... pretty priceless. A sliver of happiness on this otherwise dark day. ]

Ben wonders if he should say more, explain with more words to make it clear how much he means what he said. But then he remembers: Cole can probably feel it. That Ben likes him just as he is. That Ben hadn't just been looking for him this evening as a tool to make him feel better - a thing that is useful. He considers Cole a friend. He had had a really rough day, and so he wanted to be near his friend, who is a complicated mix of a lot of different things, not even half of which he knows about, and less of which he understands.

He'd spent so many years with only Klaus there, with the only thing he could do in the entire world being trying to make Klaus change. Those changes were necessary, sure, and he'd just wanted to keep his brother alive. But all those years, all that effort he'd spent, always thinking he knew best. He'd still almost gotten Klaus killed for good, had still done less to help him than Dave, than Diego even.

He had decided, soon after arriving in this place, he's going to try to spend less time assuming he knows what's best for other people.

"Do you like ice cream?"

The question is an impulsive one; he's not really sure, actually, if Cole needs to eat or can eat. But Ben thinks he could really, really go for some ice cream right now. Grace would give it to the kids as a treat, after a successful mission, after a particularly hard day. In Ben's mind, it's still cemented as an indelibly, unchangeably good thing. And right now, after the day he's had, after all the bad days that both of them have had, he kind of wants to share some, with Cole.

Cole knows. And no one else has ever wanted him to not change. Even Rhys wanted him to change (though killing less suicidal people was probably a very important change to make).

"I don't know. I've never had it."

He knows what it is. It existed in the fleet, sometimes. But Thedas doesn't have it and he wouldn't have had a chance to try it if it did.

"But... I would like to." Because just thinking about it sparks nice things from Ben, and Cole will always connect ice cream with how Ben feels right now.

[Well shit, Ben raises a lot of good points. Peter knows he'd be pissed if someone was keeping information like that from him. Plus Poison's been through some pretty fucked up shit before, and while the last thing Peter wants to do is give her something new to deal with, he also knows that she's experienced. She's a tough lady. This might freak her out, because it would freak anyone out, but deep down Peter's sure she could handle it.

Plus, at the end of the day, telling her about something like this would be a lot easier than telling her that he likes her had been.]

No, you-- you're right. I'll figure out how to break it to her.

[He's totally got this. Probably. But anyway, the reassurance that he's just being normal by nearly having a panic attack is nice. He manages a weak smile that quickly shifts into a dumb grin and an eyeroll, because now he has to explain the pool mishap.]

But-- oh, God, it was one of the hot springs. She was in the pool and I was like, crouched on the edge of it. And-- I mean, it's me, I thought my feet were planted pretty firmly considering I can literally stick to things? So anyway I'm sitting there trying to tell her how I feel, just, completely tripping over my words- because it's me-, and then she said something along the lines of 'sometimes it's easier to show your feelings than talk about them', right? So I'm sitting there like 'this is the perfect set up', so I leaned in to kiss her. totally lost my footing, fell face first into the pool. Disaster. But, she still said yes, so I'm calling it a win.

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