video; birkenstocks in space (un: j.calhoun)

[bardish]

[ Here's a face peering into the communication device, all up close and personal, before he blinks and pulls his face back. When he speaks, it's in a hushed, panicky whisper: an anxious soliloquy. ] ...is this rolling? [ Blink. ] Shit! It's so rolling! What was I gonna say? I had a whole thing prepared and-- Ahh... Oh god...

[ Do something, Jeff. You can't just stand there like a deer staring at an oncoming 18-wheeler. ]

Uh. Hi...? [ A nervous wave. ] Hello! Greetings? I'm, uh-- I'm not really sure if this is the right place to ask, because I don't know if anyone's alive or dead-- [ Aside: ] Is that guy from the video still around, or is he...?

[ He makes a face, wrinkling his nose at the unpleasantness. Jeff may be looking a little green around the gills here. ]

Anyway...

My name's Jeff and I totally come in peace! Is there anyone out there? Anyone who, like, wears shoes in a men's size 10, who might have an extra pair lying around, because I could really use something other than sandals right now. I mean, they're good shoes, super comfortable, but I'm pretty sure flip-flops aren't appropriate footwear for this kind of place, like, it just seems wrong to walk around here with my toes out-- what if I catch some kind of crazy new strain of tetanus!

[ AWKWARD BEAT. He smiles, grins, way too toothy, like a man on the verge of a panic attack, but he's really trying here. ]

I'm really not picky! As long as they cover my feet! You know, because once I've got the right shoes, then it's all gonna be fine. It's fine. Everything fine! [ Keep telling yourself that, Jeff. ] So... Men's size 10! [ He even holds up 10 fingers, to illustrate. Then he closes his fists into two enthusiastic thumbs up. ] That's all! Thanks!

Comments

[kaballin]

Hey that's a soda from a vending machine I didn't have to buy myself.

I'll drink it in your honor.

1/3

[bardish]

You could get at least a soda and a bag of chips. Just pour one out for me before you drink it.

[bardish]

No, wait, don't! I don't want it drying up all sticky for someone to step on! Plus with the limited resources available here, it could be a total waste of soda to pour one out in my memory and--

[ Jeff, none of this is actually happening, why are you getting worked up over a fantasy scenario. ]

[bardish]

[ A beat. He blinks. ]

Did I just admit that I'm worth less than a can of soda? Boy, that's a lot to unpack...

[kaballin]

A soda and chips. Don't sell yourself short.

This is like watching a car crash in slow motion. You're not going to die on this video feed are you? Don't make me unwittingly watch a snuff film.

[bardish]

I'm not gonna die, man! I've survived way bigger freakouts than this before!

Way bigger.

[ He's just making a great case for himself here. ]

[kaballin]

That's reassuring.

[Except where it completely isn't.]

What happened last time? Did your socks shrink in the wash?

[Cuz he's willing to bet this guy freaks out over anything.]

[bardish]

No.

[ Huff. He crosses his arms, tries to look super dignified... then looks away from the camera as he grumbles: ]

I accidentally dropped a really cool looking cake that my daughter and I made for her mom's birthday...

[kaballin]

Considering how you're reacting over shoes did you have a full on stroke when that happened? Can't be healthy to stress that much man.