@Sparrow | Video

[arcadedragon]

[The video feed opens on part of the kitchen where there's a big stockpot sitting on the counter on a towel, and a few small bowls filled with soup are standing ready nearby. If anyone has known Genji for more than five minutes it's a shock that the rest of the kitchen isn't stacked to the ceiling with dirty dishes and there isn't food literally everywhere.

He cleans up nice sometimes.

While he's not visible at any point in the video, his slightly mechanical voice is pretty recognizable, so he doesn't think to introduce himself.]

Many of us have been sick, and the weather has become increasingly colder. I made butajiru, except without miso and without dashi because we do not have such things. So I suppose it is simply pork broth and vegetables.

In any case I made a lot, please help yourself, it is in the kitchen.

[Genji is capable of making exactly four items of food: porridge, tamagoyaki, waffles, and this. It's actually good too! Spoiled rich boy has learned himself some new skills.]

Comments

[arcadedragon]

[Genji is one of those people who smiles with his whole face. It may be a big part of why wearing a mask isn't so bad some of the time. It's hard to come off as a badass ninja when you're grinning after doing some sweet ninja tricks.]

So many little ones. But they do not seem to be able to fly which is unfortunate, especially since they have wings.

[That grin gets bigger. Just like no one has told him he's a person, no one has ever appreciated his cooking before either. Zenyatta couldn't eat it, the members of Overwatch were never around, and back home he had people who cooked for him. It took a lot of dedication and practice to be able to make the few simple things that he could, but he feels pretty accomplished about it.]

Most that I've met here thought that I was a robot to begin with. If I am going to pretend to be human, I should appear it as well.

[He frowns realizing how he'd said that. It hadn't even been a conscious decision.]

It is hard to remember that I am, when even I do not see myself.

[benhargreeves]

[ Ben gives a shrug, at Genji's comment about the little dragons not knowing how to fly, and says: ]

Doesn't seem to slow them down, though, does it? Maybe they're like penguins. Maybe it's an evolution thing and they don't even have any idea they could be doing something different. It would be pretty cool to see them zooming around in the air, don't get me wrong, but I'm just saying they seem pretty happy just running and rolling and stuff.

[ He is speaking quickly, cheerfully, in between bites of soup. There's no mistaking that Ben is, well, happy. He'd said that he was doing really well, but this is the evidence to back that up. He's talking so easily and freely, without worrying so much about it or even being conscious that he's chattier than usual.

That brightness remains, though he is a little more somber once Genji explains his reasons, says pretend. ]

Well, for what it's worth, it was always pretty clear to me that you weren't a robot. But also, my mom was a robot, so maybe I'm a little better than most at telling the difference.

[ That tidbit sure hadn't been in the comics! But Ben just keeps going: ]

Can I ask... what would you like to call yourself, if you weren't pretending for anyone?

[ To Ben, there's no question that Genji is still human, through and through. But Genji might not like thinking of himself as human. It might hurt, in ways Ben can't know or anticipate. Maybe he's found a better word for himself. Certainly, he's not a robot. But there are many other options. ]

[arcadedragon]

Penguin dragons. So long as they are happy, that is what matters. Also they're very cute.

[He laughs a little. Oh it's been a long time since he laughed, something about the idea of waddly penguins being transposed into graceful dragons is pretty hysterical to him. And he definitely has a soft spot for cute things. He may or may not have derailed missions to pet kittens or win pachimari plushes.]

Your mom was a robot? Oh yes, Allison told me that. She said she was great.

[He'd almost forgotten about that, and he hadn't really pressed further on the issue, not wanting to pry.]

I'm not sure. Cyborg I suppose. Since that's what I am - not truly human, not really a robot.

[benhargreeves]

They are so, so, so cute.

[ Ben has that very same soft spot as Genji - though it has been considerably complicated by his past experiences. There are a lot of small animals Ben has to work hard to make himself tolerate being around. Others, he's just accepted are a lost cause. But dragons? They never had dragons in his world. There are no possible bad associations, there.

And, well. He's a nerd. He just loves them. ]

Oh, you met Allison? Awesome. And yeah. She isn't like the robots here -

[ Oh. He catches it just a moment too late. That warm smile falters, when his memory catches up to his mouth, and he amends quickly, voice suddenly quiet: ]

Wasn't.

[ Ben spends a couple seconds after that stirring the soup with his spoon, staring down at the liquid in the bowl, the furrow between his brows deep. His grief for a mother is a thing he has not really dealt with, yet. And he isn't about to, now. He packages it up neatly inside himself, sets it aside, for another time. It's not a trick that will work indefinitely, but it works for now. ]

She's the only reason any of us came out even close to sane.

[ It's more complicated than that, of course. Very complicated. So Ben just... redirects back to Genji instead. ]

Kind of sucks defining yourself based on two nots, though, right? Who cares what you aren't. What you are is... a cyborg. Human and robot. Not neither, but both.

[arcadedragon]

Oh. I am sorry.

[Losing a parent is rough, and he's been there. It's something that's difficult to ever get over, especially when Ben is using the same technique as Genji which is: bottle it up forever until he dies so he doesn't have to deal with it. Ever.

He brightens up a bit at Ben's suggestion.]

Best of both worlds? I like it. More shiny and lit up than a human, but able to eat delicious food unlike a robot. Perhaps it's not so bad.

For being trapped here, it has been... nice. Nearly everyone is very pleasant, it's full of good people. I need that. It reminds me what I was fighting for, makes things worthwhile.

[benhargreeves]

[ Ben... doesn't really know what to say to that. He appreciates it, but thanks is all wrong. Words are so stupid and insufficient. He gives a little awkward shrug and then just sort of lets it drop, even though it makes the silence in the room strained for a moment or two. ]

Not so bad? Sounds pretty awesome if you ask me.

[ It's not all awesome. Ben knows that. How could he not be reminded of that when Genji's face is right there, with all those reminders of violence strewn across it. But still... ]

I have... a, um. friend. [ A long pause, then Ben grins, face flushed, ducking his head as he admits: ] Um. A- boyfriend, actually. Anyway, that's not the important part. He's been helping me to sort of... like myself more than I used to. And one of the things that's been working really well is catching myself when I start saying or thinking negative stuff about myself, even when it's a joke. Like, recontextualizing how I look at myself. I think maybe... owning the whole cyborg thing might do that for you, maybe?

[ Ben looks up again, then. There is an earnestness in his face. He wants so badly to be able to give Genji a little bit of help in this area. To support him and be there for him. Even if he's still something of a mess, himself. ]

Is - there anything else you need, I mean... to make thing worthwhile? How are you doing? You asked about me, earlier, but I didn't ask back?

[arcadedragon]

[Oh no that is adorable.]

Congratulations.

[Look at Ben blushing, this is very cute. At least someone in this place has found happiness.]

I can see where that would be beneficial. Negative thoughts can permeate everything and it spreads quicker than expected until all is miserable.

[He thinks about what he's just said, that negative thoughts make everything miserable. He'd been sulking after the confrontation with Hanzo and the meeting with Cole. But it hadn't really been either of them. The one he was annoyed with was himself and he was making it worse.

There were plenty of people here who had been genuinely kind and helpful to him, and he should be focused on that rather than the negatives.]

Perhaps it would be worthwhile for me to try. Optimism has never been my strong point, I used to be cheerful though. A lot more than I am now. But I also lived next to a ramen place and a big arcade so I had many more things to be happy about.

[How can anyone be happy without ramen???]

I have been better. And I will be in the future. Two of the dragons followed me home and will not leave so I have some company. They have stolen my sweatshirt from me and I can't find it in myself to take it back.

[This is someone who would die of starvation instead of moving a cat sleeping on his lap.]

[benhargreeves]

[ This is all still so new to Ben, and he doesn't know what to say back when Genji congratulates him. Would the normal thing be to say thanks? To make a joke? To talk more about how it had all come about? Ben has no clue, so he just gives a slightly lopsided smile and a pleased little shrug of his shoulders. That'll have to do.

But his worries about his own awkwardness fall into the background when Genji starts talking about how he used to be cheerful. Ben had kind of caught him at a vulnerable moment, when they both had been truth gassed. That could happen to anybody. But Genji is talking about negativity permeating everything and being miserable, and he's talking about now. He's talking about the present. Ben can just tell.

He could kick himself then for not asking how Genji was doing sooner. Particularly when he confirms that he's been better which Ben knows is code for I'm going through an incredibly rough time. A furrow forms between his dark brows, and he leans closer, all worry and seriousness. ]

Did... something happen, or is it being stuck here, or is it... something else?

[ Ben looks Genji in the eyes, looks at his handsome, scarred face. There are a lot of options, things that might make Genji sad. Ben knows that, even without reason, sadness can come and hang like an anchor. He knows that the past can echo loudly on some days. If Genji has been trying taking his mask off around people, had anyone reacted badly? Or is Genji merely dwelling on whatever events had led to him being injured in the first place? ]

Can I help?

[arcadedragon]

[He stares into his cup of tea, a little caught off guard to not be seeing the light of his visor reflected in it. He was so rarely out of his armor that he often forgot it wasn't his actual face.

Sometimes he wished it was.]

I have been thinking about the past too much.

[Because he'd been physically confronted by it in a way that he wasn't prepared for. He'd spent nearly a decade dreaming up what he'd say to Hanzo when he finally encountered him, only to be caught completely by surprise when it actually did happen. And had come away from the encounter feeling as though he'd somehow lost again.

Hanzo had only managed to shoot him once, and it hadn't done any real damage, but a few words had torn Genji apart just as effectively as his sword had so long ago.]

I don't think I'm the person that I want to be. I have few skills beyond battle and we don't seem to require that. I feel useless.

[Maybe he wasn't cut out to be a good, helpful person like he tried to be. Maybe he should just accept he was only good at killing.]

I try to help, but... I'm not sure if I am.

[He frowns. Between Hanzo and Cole, he's really questioning if he should even be around people at all anymore. It might be better for everyone if he just quietly disappeared.]

[benhargreeves]

[ Ben reaches across the table, wrapping a hand around Genji's wrist, partly to get his attention, and partly because he knows that, for some - for himself - touch can be a grounding and comforting thing. ]

Hey, Genji.

[ Ben meets Genji's eyes, his expression grave and full of sympathy. He had spent a long, long time trying to help his brother with just this. Giving speeches like this, trying to get him to stay in rehab. The practice means that he stumbles less, that he doesn't hold back. ]

You made this awesome soup. That's a skill I don't have. And I just want to say two things. First, your worth isn't a sum that you figure out by adding up... points you get for usefulness. No one thinks like that but awful people who see other people as tools, or objects. And second, you're talking like you can't learn anything new. We've got all the time in the world here, right? So - learn some skills! Learn stuff you never got a chance to learn before.

[ But just those two things aren't enough, and Ben keeps talking: ]

This might sound crazy, but... a good way to stop thinking about the past so much is to talk about it. I'm not saying you gotta talk about it to me. But if you talk about it to somebody, it - it helps. I don't know why, but I've seen it happen.

[ The seriousness of his face is broken by a small smile, just at one corner of his mouth. He gives Genji's wrist a squeeze and lets go, sitting back and picking up his spoon once more. ]

It's not too late to be the person you want to be. You can always become that person, one choice at a time.

[arcadedragon]

[He doesn't pull away, but it's clear from his body language that no one ever touches him and he's not sure how to react. But what Ben is saying makes sense, he's just thinking about it all wrong. He's spent a decade consumed by the past, letting bitterness overcome him and it's only recently that he's broken that pattern, and he somehow expected it would be a complete one-eighty where he didn't have moments of self-doubt and backsliding.

And that was ridiculous. He was still human, as much as he didn't feel like it sometimes. He wasn't robotic enough to just flip a switch and change how he thought - he's not sure he'd want that either. Eventually he smiles. Ben somehow knowing exactly what to say.]

You are right. Wise beyond your years.

[He finishes his tea, rolling the cup between his hands before standing up to go put it in the sink. ]

Thank you. For talking with me, for all you've done for me. Next time we meet perhaps I will have a new skill to show off.