[ Ben's in a pretty weird place, right now. It's been a rough day, and every impulse in his mind is primed to catastrophize, to see the worst possible outcomes, to torment him with the tiniest possibility of badness.
So even Kieran's gentle and reassuring words, telling him he is kind, that he clearly cares about people, make Ben's heart sink. He meets Kieran's kind eyes and then his gaze slides away, looking down at the ground, overwhelmed.
He can see how Kieran would believe they might be on the same level. That Ben might have been forced into some small life of crime, the way he had. That he'd hurt people in the normal human way. ]
It's not like that. You were - maybe you've been forced to do some messed up stuff, in your life, but I- what I am is messed up.
[ Ben miserably thinks that he's not all that much better than whoever had hidden those cameras. He's been dishonest, hidden things from Kieran, because he liked being around him, getting to be his friend. But he'd never given Kieran the chance to reject him based on the reality of who he is. Kieran deserves that. He deserves to know what he's friends with. ]
I've been lying to you. By omission but it still counts. I have powers. I was born with them - all my siblings were, too. We were all born at the same second all around the world to women who weren't even pregnant earlier that day, and nobody knows how or why it happened, and all of us can do things no other humans can do.
[ The words are tumbling out in a rush, and he's stopped brushing Branwen's mane, just sort of holding the brush in his hand. ]
I have - it's like a doorway in my stomach, to another world. Like this is a different world to the one you came from. And I can open it to these - creatures. Sort of like giant squids, only - different. Alien. And if I open it, they reach through me. And- and I was raised to use that power to hurt people. To kill them.
[ Carefully, Ben smooths a hand down Branwen's long face, letting him snuffle and nuzzle at his palm, maybe expecting a treat. He can't bring himself to look at Kieran. ]
They weren't good people. They were - murderers and robbers and awful people. But it doesn't change the fact that I- that maybe my dad was right to have those cameras. At least for me. To keep an eye on me and - I don't know. I just don't know.
[ He breaks off, because it's all so tangled in his mind. His dad had been the one who guided his training, who had had to teach Ben to use his powers to kill in the first place. Of course, he had always said that Ben was a monster, a horror, that he was only pointing his inevitable violence in a constructive direction. Ben had always believed that. That it was his duty to control himself and work hard to limit that harm.
But is that true? If it were, why had Reginald needed to lock up and starve Ben into using his powers to train? Why start him on animals, make him hurt them first to try to get him used to it, so that eventually he would be willing to do the same to humans? If he was really so bloodthirsty and uncontrollable, it wouldn't have been necessary to try so hard to desensitize him to it. And it would have worked, instead of leaving him a panicky mess every time he has to use his powers, or any time he is just around some animals.
Ben sucks in a very shaky breath, hands extremely gentle as he brushes Branwen's mane out of his eyes. ]
I should've told you before now. I just... wanted you to like me.
cw abuse
So even Kieran's gentle and reassuring words, telling him he is kind, that he clearly cares about people, make Ben's heart sink. He meets Kieran's kind eyes and then his gaze slides away, looking down at the ground, overwhelmed.
He can see how Kieran would believe they might be on the same level. That Ben might have been forced into some small life of crime, the way he had. That he'd hurt people in the normal human way. ]
It's not like that. You were - maybe you've been forced to do some messed up stuff, in your life, but I- what I am is messed up.
[ Ben miserably thinks that he's not all that much better than whoever had hidden those cameras. He's been dishonest, hidden things from Kieran, because he liked being around him, getting to be his friend. But he'd never given Kieran the chance to reject him based on the reality of who he is. Kieran deserves that. He deserves to know what he's friends with. ]
I've been lying to you. By omission but it still counts. I have powers. I was born with them - all my siblings were, too. We were all born at the same second all around the world to women who weren't even pregnant earlier that day, and nobody knows how or why it happened, and all of us can do things no other humans can do.
[ The words are tumbling out in a rush, and he's stopped brushing Branwen's mane, just sort of holding the brush in his hand. ]
I have - it's like a doorway in my stomach, to another world. Like this is a different world to the one you came from. And I can open it to these - creatures. Sort of like giant squids, only - different. Alien. And if I open it, they reach through me. And- and I was raised to use that power to hurt people. To kill them.
[ Carefully, Ben smooths a hand down Branwen's long face, letting him snuffle and nuzzle at his palm, maybe expecting a treat. He can't bring himself to look at Kieran. ]
They weren't good people. They were - murderers and robbers and awful people. But it doesn't change the fact that I- that maybe my dad was right to have those cameras. At least for me. To keep an eye on me and - I don't know. I just don't know.
[ He breaks off, because it's all so tangled in his mind. His dad had been the one who guided his training, who had had to teach Ben to use his powers to kill in the first place. Of course, he had always said that Ben was a monster, a horror, that he was only pointing his inevitable violence in a constructive direction. Ben had always believed that. That it was his duty to control himself and work hard to limit that harm.
But is that true? If it were, why had Reginald needed to lock up and starve Ben into using his powers to train? Why start him on animals, make him hurt them first to try to get him used to it, so that eventually he would be willing to do the same to humans? If he was really so bloodthirsty and uncontrollable, it wouldn't have been necessary to try so hard to desensitize him to it. And it would have worked, instead of leaving him a panicky mess every time he has to use his powers, or any time he is just around some animals.
Ben sucks in a very shaky breath, hands extremely gentle as he brushes Branwen's mane out of his eyes. ]
I should've told you before now. I just... wanted you to like me.