[ But that is exactly what Ben thinks. That he isn't allowed to complain; his brain always has a reason at the ready, why it is wrong for him to express any kind of dissatisfaction. Had that come from being monitored? From letting his father convince him for so long he was a monster that needed to be experimented on and watched at all times for everyone's good? Is there any way to know anymore what is an authentic, inborn part of who he is and what was shaped by his (fucked up) environment?
He wants to believe Kieran and his validating, reassuring words. But, perhaps because he's already stressed, perhaps because all this has got him thinking even more than usual about his past, he can't seem to do that. Every nice thing Kieran says is almost drowned out by the screaming doubt in his mind, saying that if Kieran really understood the situation, knew more about him, saw him more clearly, he wouldn't be saying those nice things and making that kind offer. ]
You wouldn't say that if-
[ He breaks off, silent for a few seconds as he brushes the horses's mane some more, long and slow strokes. Then he tries again: ]
It's like you said before. Horses are straightforward, but people hide stuff. I learned to hide... everything I could, even more than most people, because I was always being watched. And now I'm about as far away from a horse as a person can get. Not straightforward at all. You shouldn't... offer me something like that, when there's a lot you don't know about me yet and if you knew it. You might not. Want to be my friend, after all.
no subject
He wants to believe Kieran and his validating, reassuring words. But, perhaps because he's already stressed, perhaps because all this has got him thinking even more than usual about his past, he can't seem to do that. Every nice thing Kieran says is almost drowned out by the screaming doubt in his mind, saying that if Kieran really understood the situation, knew more about him, saw him more clearly, he wouldn't be saying those nice things and making that kind offer. ]
You wouldn't say that if-
[ He breaks off, silent for a few seconds as he brushes the horses's mane some more, long and slow strokes. Then he tries again: ]
It's like you said before. Horses are straightforward, but people hide stuff. I learned to hide... everything I could, even more than most people, because I was always being watched. And now I'm about as far away from a horse as a person can get. Not straightforward at all. You shouldn't... offer me something like that, when there's a lot you don't know about me yet and if you knew it. You might not. Want to be my friend, after all.